GolfHos

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender said, “Rene can I get you a beer?”
Rene said, “I think not.”
And *POOF*, he disappeared!

 ;D

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre".

So the bartender gave her one.  [sm_naughty]

Know what I mean??
nudge nudge wink wink [sm_naughty]

lol

Descartes was teh poof?

A baby seal walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
 
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
 
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator.
He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender said, "Yes, we do!"
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

I thought I had heard every lawyer joke in existence.

A rare bestowment of karma.

Woman staggers up, and sits at the bar.
She says "Tarbender, give a scouble dotch."
Bartender pours the drink.
Woman says "Tarbender, give a tarmini."
Bartender pours another drink.
Woman says "Tarbender, give me a drewscriver"
Bartender pours the drink.
After only a sip, she screams at the the bartender "I have heartburn!"

The bartender says "Look lady, It's double scotch, not scouble dotch. It's martini, not tarmini. It's a screwdriver, not a drewscriver.  And you don't have heartburn, your boob is in the ashtray.

[a long one]

A man walks into a bar in Salt Lake City, orders three pints of Guinness, and takes them to a corner booth. He sets the three pints in a row in front of him, takes a sip from one, sets it down, takes a sip from the next, sets it down, and takes a sip from the last. He continues to take one drink from each, in order, until the three pints are gone.

As he gets ready to leave, the bartender catches his attention and says, "pardon me, sir, I couldn't help but notice how you were drinking your pints. If you don't mind my asking, is there a reason?"

The man replies, "I grew up in Ireland with two brothers. As we grew up, and we each went our separate ways, we agreed that every week at precisely this time we'd each go to a bar, order a pint for each of us and drink as though we were still together."

The bartender was touched by this and felt an immediate bond to this gentleman. As the weeks went on, the man became a regular fixture in the bar. The staff grew to like him very much and always looked forward to his weekly visits.

One week the man walks into the bar, takes his usual corner booth, but this time only orders two pints of Guinness. The bar staff assumes the worst has happened to one of his brothers. When the waitress brings his beers to him she says, "I can't tell you how sorry I am that you have lost one of your brothers."

The man looks perplexed for a moment, chuckles, and replies, "Oh no lass, not at all. Both of my brothers are alive and well. The reason I only ordered two pints is that my wife has decided that we are going to be Mormons. That means I can no longer drink, but it surely doesn't mean my brothers can't."

  ;D
Utah liquor laws prohibits this behavior correct?

Hey! Don't *feces* on my joke with your knowledge of our stupid laws!

:'( :'( :'(

Is there a law that prevents *feces*ting on things, or do you guys look past the kinky stuff?

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_5278749

LOL!   ;D

and how good is this?

Three ropes go into a bar.  First one says, "Go on and take a seat; I'll order us some beers." 
So he goes to the bar and asks for three beers.
Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here."
Dejected, he goes back to the table.
"Hey, where's our beer?" the other ropes ask.
"Bartender said they don't serve ropes," the first rope explains.
So the second rope goes up and tries to get some beers.  He begs and pleads, but the bartender insists that it's a policy and it can't be changed, so he goes back to the table and apologizes for his failure.
The third rope says, "I'll take care of this."  So he scrapes at himself until he's practically falling apart, and then wraps around himself in a myriad of ways.  He turns to his buddies and says, "I'll have the beers for you in a few seconds," and walks up to the bar.
"Three beers for me and my buddies," he says.
The bartender looks mildly annoyed.  "I already told your two friends.  We don't serve beer to ropes in this bar.  Aren't YOU a rope?"
"I'm a frayed knot."


One beautiful autumn Saturday in the early afternoon a man walks into a bar in Durham, NC with his dog.  The dog was dressed in a Duke sweater and had a Duke hat on his head. 
The bartender sees the guy coming in and stops him immediately.  "Hey!" he says.  "You can't bring a freakin' DOG in here!"
The man looks pitiful as he explains his situation.  "You just HAVE to let us stay," he says.  "I'm the world's biggest Duke football fan.  The kickoff is in 5 minutes.  My television in on the blink and I have no other way of watching the game."
"But the policy is no dogs."
"Don't worry about the dog, sir," he says.  "He's incredibly well behaved.  I'll keep a close eye on him and he won't disturb anybody or anything," he promises.
Moved by the man's desperation, the bartender reluctantly agrees to let them stay and watch the game.
The game starts.  The opposing team kicks off and Duke gets a decent return.  They then run a series of fairly successful plays, getting a few first downs and advancing the ball to the opponent's 22 yard line before facing a 4th and 4.  The field goal kicker comes in and successfully makes a field goal to make the score 3 to nothing. 
The ball is no sooner through the uprights than the dog goes berserk, leaping up onto the bar, jumping up and down howling, and doing forward flips the length of the bar. 
The bartender is amazed.  "Good God," he says, "that dog got pretty damned excited by that field goal!  What does he do when Duke scores a touchdown?"
"How should I know?  I've only had him for 6 years."

 ;D

Just a little slow in developing, but funny punchlines nonetheless.

A horse walks into a saloon and up to the bar.

The bartender walks over and say,"Hey buddy, why the long face?"

.........ba-da-b00m

Fixed it for you. :D

Yeah, no kidding. ;D